Thursday, 31 March 2016

love style life, Garance Dore, love, life, style
Happy almost the weekend(that's legit a thing lol)!! Firstly, I had sooo much to say about this topic I had to stop and take stock of my life! I kid, I kid. But, I decided half way to make this a 2 part post because I wanted to properly seperate the issues between being in a dysfunctional/toxic relationship and the potential effects being in one can have on your future relationships because fact, our experiences shape us!! So here's part 1!

Recently I found myself talking to some friends about dysfunctional relationships and how it seems like everyone has been (or sadly, is) in one. I know I wrote about the funny side of being unreasonable in relationships but there's also a very mentally fatiguing side. Do not get me wrong, every relationship has some level of dysfunction but there's a healthy medium here (seems crazy to speak about dysfunction as healthy,lol). Seriously, the perfect partner doesn't exist and any realist in a relationship has had to accept this and adapt their expectations accordingly (I'm not advocating a lowering of standards). Even with accepting imperfections within people and relationships there is a clear difference between the occasional disagreement and being in a fully dysfunctional situationship! 

Some relationships are super fucked up (pardon my french) right off the bat and it's evident that there are some serious issues and so as any normal person would do, you leave. A few months into it and you realise that you deserve so much better and having a sister wife (or boy equivalent; brother husband? I might have coined a term) is not your portion! Then you have the relationships which are amazing in the beginning you're so drawn to each other and it's all magical but then it starts to go downhill and rather than accept the situation is heading South, you think about the butterflies you get when everything is great and you stay to patch it up. Things get better for a while but then the downward spiral starts again but you stay because this is really your soul mate and the constant fighting is just because you love each other so much (as is done). It's this type of dysfunction, the sort of creeps up on you, that I've found the hardest to break away from  (speaking from personal experience here), not because I was self loathing or I loved the drama of it all but because that was 'what we did'. We were the kind of couple that did everything with 'passion'. If you've ever been in that situation you know it's a constant cycle and even though all the signs are there to say you're in a toxic relationship, you choose, to ignore them.

Admittedly sometimes you really aren't aware of how bad a relationship is because you've become somewhat used to the rhythm of the relationship and it seems, normal. When I look back at old relationships I sometimes cringe at the stupidity I exhibited while I was in those toxic situations but its sooo easy to do that today. In the moment? Not so much! I used to be in a relationship where cheating was like a game of tag (seriously, we took turns), and the cycle was constant but no matter how many times we broke up or people told me it was toxic (read: even my parents tried) - we'd be back together. We were literally so devoid of trust we both never left our phones lying about, cleared our browser history, never went out to clubs together or hung out with the same people but still...we stayed together. In hindsight I'm just like WTF Mel, because all that foolishness was just a lot of effort and denial versus just admitting that the relationship was a complete mess. 

The strange thing about relationships is that different people bring out different qualities in people so I don't think I was a particular sort of mental case and equally, I don't think any of my exes were either- it's just that we weren't a good fit. Like I said, now that I've grown more (how much, totally depends on who you ask) I can see the flaws better but when I was in the situations I genuinely cared for these people and was completely blind to all the negatives (many though they were). For whatever reason it just seemed so much easier to put up with the dysfunction than to deal with the pain that would come from leaving these uncomfortable roller coaster relationships. Whether we like to admit it or not - it's human nature to adapt and get comfortable with any situation and that includes bad relationships. 

 Speaking to my friends over the weekend about some of the madness I've experienced in relationships reminded me of how far I've come as a person and that no one deserves to put up with anyone else's foolishness- life's far too short! 

Comment below if you want to share an experience or ask me a question! I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

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