Tuesday, 7 June 2016

woman, balls, sometimes it takes balls to be a woman, peonies
I'm back from New York and completely suffering from jet lag!! I gave myself a full weekend to get back into the swing of things but I can't seem to get my sleep pattern right so my life is currently a shit show on the sleep front. The great news though, is that it's finally summer in London and I wore a dress without leggings to work for the first time in ummmm 8 months? The joy!

Anyhow,  this post is one that is near and dear to my heart because in an ideal world these opinions are how I would want Culture, Feminism and Marriage to co-habitat (which might take a while). Recently, I was invited to a group chat titled ' The Praying Wife' and immediately I gave it a major side eye and perused the posts and ummed and aahed at the pray for; his happiness, to resist temptation, his peace etc etc etc. Which prompted me to then ask my husband ' hey have you ever been invited to a 'The Praying Husband' chat? And his reaction was one of those looks he gets when he thinks I'm setting him up because there's a right answer, followed by a little giggle and then the obvious 'no'. Of course not. 

I was not AT ALL surprised that the husband had never been invited to such a group or better still that in everyday conversation with his other married friends they didn't discuss how they as husbands could, through their faith and prayers, make better wives out of us. I don't blame my husband or his friends for not having such a group but the fact is that culturally, they are at an advantage and aren't taught they can find the answers in such methods! Before someone accuses me of not believing in the power of prayer or the power of a divine being- I'm not dismissing that at all. I think that religion is a wonderful thing for people to believe in and prayer as apart of that belief is a great tool to connect you with said divine power. My issue with 'the praying wife' group is what's perpetuating -  this cultural notion that dictates that a woman is responsible for the betterment/failure of a marriage *insert major eye roll*. 
woman, balls, sometimes it takes balls to be a woman, peonies

In a recent debate about why the 'praying wife' group was needed with one of my friends, her stance was to defend the group using the logic that some women will have exhausted everything else and so what else is one to do? My obvious answer was; talk to the other other person in your marriage! You can't just expect something to change without having truly expressed your stance or even better, set your boundaries on what your next step will be if you don't get a desired outcome! Call me crazy, but I believe in the power of communication and each person carrying their own weight to ensure a favourable outcome for all. The debate turned into where does the self blame and guilt end and she said she wasn't sure but 'if I got cheated on I would wonder what I had done wrong; maybe I didn't buy enough lingerie, sometimes I tend to have a bad attitude but that's because I've been programmed to think this way'. The fact that she acknowledged that her self doubt would be because she has been wired to think this was is exactly why I take fault with these groups (whatever form that take) that teach women that its is our responsibility to take care of ALL the needs of another grown human being!

I can acknowledge that in some ways marriage is anti-feminist because (fact) traditionally it didn't really do us women any favours and still has a long way to come in terms of gender equality (especially in African culture). This opinion might sound strange coming from me because, you know...I'm married - but as a married woman I think it's important to acknowledge that there needs to be a more universal acceptance of the modern woman in marriage! In order for feminism and marriage to coexist I feel that as women we need to break the cultural stereotypes which dictate to us what makes a 'good wife' and moreover, how being wife will lead to a perfect relationship. We need to be able to be ourselves without fear that this deviation. I think I'm lucky because my husband is a feminist at heart (we don't even have the same last name) and he knows that our marriage needs us both to be on the ball or we are doomed. We don't have a perfect marriage by any means but we accept that we'll sink or swim together!

 Ultimately, I just feel it's terribly unfair (I know, I'm such an equalist) to put the success or failure of a partnership (because that's what marriage/relatiosnhip is) on one person in that partnership. Why should it be the role of the wife alone to ensure that the sex life is lush, or that her cheating husband stops or that he get a job and more than that - that he is happy?! Heck, most days I don't even know if the things I'm doing are making me happy you know!? In my opinion, the moment you agree to be one half of someone's life you should innately strive to be the best version of yourself so the partnership can succeed not sit around and wait for one half to deliver for you both!

I would love to know your opinion - even if you disagree! So please comment below and let me know if this issue can really be tackled or we just have to accept our lot!


  1. You have yet again touched on a topic close to my heart I think am behind you on this one we should equally put effort in marriage for even the bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12New International Version (NIV)

    9 Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
    10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
    But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
    11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
    12 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
    A cord of three strands is not quickly

    It takes two to tango great post

  2. We all have to go an extra mile to make the marriage work. It should never be one sided just like an it work, school or friendship.

  3. I disagree on the use of advantage when it comes to men. I think men are born and raised with a disadvantage. Their disadvantage is they lack training of any form of being a parent(esp to a girl child) . To be a husband (even sexually) and praying man. All they sre taught is men are the same and they are providers. Reason why we have more women speaking up is because women have more discussioms and turotials etc whilst men are simple minded providers


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