Tuesday, 1 August 2017

You dont have to get married for love(but it helps)

Happy new month internet pals!

I really wanted to post this last week because I was quite excited about the topic but then I fell out of rhythm somewhat. I've been suffering from a cold in what is meant to be the fxcking summer (talking to you mother nature) and as a result my sleep pattern was just out of wack so I didn't get to edit the post in time. I also missed about half the week's workouts and ate my way through the world, which (not surprisingly) had me so bloated all week and feeling like an overstuffed cushion so there's that. All in all, it was just not a great week. This week though, I plan to smash out all my workouts, eat healthy and plan a post for next week that will be on time!! Go me! Now, on to this babe of a post...

I was having a conversation with one of my friends recently and it veered into do you really need to love someone to marry them or is liking them enough? Because lets be honest, we are human beings and our feelings towards things, music, sports, people, habits etc are constantly changing so does it really matter if you start off loving the person you marry? Over time your feelings will shift  any which way so does having love as a foundation in your marriage mean you will have a stronger, more solid, less likely to fall apart over trials type marriage? My stance on this is clearly obvious (please refer to post title) but let's explore this because we all know, or know someone that knows someone who has married someone because 'hey I feel ready to be married and one (wo)man is as good as another so why not this (wo)man!?'

Cast your mind back to like the 1800s (randomly picked an era that seemed applicable) people got married to have offspring because men needed labor to till the lands, women to cook and clean for them or if you're luck to be wealthy you needed heirs to carry on the bloodline. Women (thank the heavens for progress) had no voice and whoever their father pointed out as a sensible man (enter MTV show discussed above) would have to do. Whether you grew to love the person you married (or took a lover to quell the pain) you just got on with it but you didn't quit the relationship. Literally, love or no love people didn't get divorced back then- it was very taboo. Enter the modern ages where choice, rights and romanticism are the buzz words and we the people get divorced all the time because we are in the pursuit of love and happiness!  Experts have actually stated that the modern person's need for love and romance have made marriage weak because both these parameters are highly changeable. Whilst, I agree(ish) with this theory - I still really do think that love is one of the key foundations to a good relationship. It's by no means the only thing because things like shared goals, mutual respect, compatibility, attraction etc also matter.

Being a fan of all outlandish (you could insert the word trash but let's just not) TV shows that I am, I once spent 6 hours on a flight watching an MTV show where single people let their parents 'date' potential partners for them and then proceeded to pick the 1 that they thought would be most compatible with their offspring (FYI, my parents said they would totally do it - so lucky for me I managed to handle that piece of business alone). I've also spent one hour a week for 2 months watching a show where couples were matched by science and met for the first time at the alter to get married! Yes, lest you haven't watched the show (and like your shows to be a bit more beneficial to your mind and soul)...THEY MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME AND GET MARRIED ON THE SAME DAY. Some of the couples made it and other's didn't, for a plethora of reasons but if you ask me, it was because all these marriages were based on just one thing; that first initial attraction and had no other real basis (not saying physical attraction doesn't matter). Marriage is no walk in the park(I know I always say this and the frequency might put some of you off getting married)! It's hard and you constantly have to work at it and I, for one, would hate to have to navigate this path with someone that I just liked/found attractive or was staying with because they were solely a good provider.

Your context might be different, but I come from a culture where marriage is encouraged and is regarded as an achievement (I won't even open that can of worms) so plenty of women have found themselves in these loveless marriages because...marriage. A lot of people (and I do it sometimes, full disclosure) will look at these people and say they are desperate or settling because their reasons for picking their mate was not rooted in love. When you really stop to think about it, marrying for love might be a luxury depending on their circumstances in life. Not saying everyone in a difficult position gets married solely to escape their situations but the point is; if you're living on the streets and a millionaire takes a fancy to you and proposes on the spot (extreme example but it makes the point) the last thing you're worrying about is if you love them. Conversely, I was talking to someone once who had married for love but now complained about the lack of that je ne sais quois in her marriage to people and  their general response was 'but you want for nothing? He doesn't abuse you, doesn't cheat on you and is a great dad so you have it good'. So who's really winning here?

Maybe there is a case to be a made about not marrying 'the one' - you won't be disappointed or feel any regret about your choice of partner as you don't have any real expectations that can't be met (because people are fallible) but equally a case for growing old with the love of your life! Essentially, I think that one size (in this case love) definitely doesn't fit all, at all when it comes to relationships and while some people are really out there looking for Disney princess type endings some people are just looking to have their basic needs met. So maybe we should all try and not be judgmental when it comes to what motivates people because each to his own you know.

Please comment below and let me know your view on this topic- I would love to hear your thoughts!
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